Losing Confidence

Losing Confidence

Hey, so it's been a long time. The last post I published is from all the way back in January. I remember pulling those pictures together a month after I went to Rome with some of my closest friends. I wrote that travel guide as a way to try and convince myself that I was okay. I haven't actually looked at my own blog in months because I just felt so rubbish. I experienced betrayal and it completely knocked me. I'd find myself tearful for no reason and anxiety took full hold of me.

I was in a relationship when I didn't love myself and I was so very concerned with how my boyfriend at the time was feeling and never how I was feeling. I was swallowing that knot in my tummy that was telling me something was wrong, putting myself last in everything and ripping myself apart in the process. I took these photos in March after I'd ordered some photography equipment, vowing to post something on here to prove to myself that I could. I couldn't - until now.

It felt like bad thing after bad thing kept happening and every time I started to pull myself up, something new came and knocked me over again. I lost every shred of confidence I had, I was not myself at all, I was just feeling really fragile. I couldn't look in the mirror and the most baffling part of it all was that I didn't look any different. My friends and family kept telling me I was a beautiful person but I didn't feel beautiful. I felt broken.

I write this now and I'm in such a different place. Bottling up feelings and locking away my trauma made me implode on myself. When I finally opened up and felt the feelings I'd been running away from, I was finally able to process. The burden of holding everything in was too much for my 22-year-old shoulders to carry. I finally understand that I can't live my life for other people and what other people think of me can't be where I draw my confidence from, my confidence now comes from within. Here I am finally posting these pictures. I feel really proud of myself for fighting through the darkest storm I've ever faced. I've been doing all of the things I love like journaling and scrapbooking and laughing to myself. I've started to sing in the shower again and call my friends to just have lighthearted nonsense conversations and exploring this beautiful city that I get to call home. I feel stronger than ever.

These smiles were fake at the time but I'm sat here smiling now after crying for the version of me that's trapped in these photos. 

Anyways, I'm back and I have so many reasons to smile for real.

Teru xx
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