27.8.18

Heartbreak in the Hot Sun



I've been in two relationships in my life. My first experience of heartbreak came when I was 19 years old and I ended my relationship just before finishing my second year of university. We had been together for 7 months and I don't really remember how I felt about him anymore. What I do remember was me torturing myself over ending the relationship. He just wasn't putting any effort into it and I mean the bare minimum ie. sticking to plans and being nice. Here's what I wrote in my journal at the time "I'm going to miss just hanging out with him and his friendship. He was such a bad boyfriend though tbh. It was deffo for the best (side bar: who even says deffo - cringe). We weren't working out and I need to be focussed on getting my 2.1"(side bar #2: I got a 1st because I'm rock n'roll). It does make me laugh reading that back. It's funny how at the time my sister remembers me crying non stop for 2 weeks over the easter break from university and now the memories have faded away for me.

Fast forward 3 years and reflecting on my most recent heartbreak, I was getting excited to spend a summer of fun with the guy I was with. I had to end the relationship and I was mourning for the summer that we had planned to share. I'm at my happiest in summer, coating myself in glitter and dancing in a field is my favourite thing to do. I love sitting in the park and having a picnic or hanging out in a beer garden with pals in a floaty summer dress. I again agonised over my decision, as if I could just pretend for the sake of my summer plans that everything in body wasn't screaming at me to end the relationship. As Dolly Allerton wrote "no practical matter is important enough to keep you in the wrong relationship. Holidays can be cancelled ...". Those words spoke to my soul. (side bar #3 - you have to read Everything I Know About Love - I've recommended it to everyone and their mum since I finished it).



I guess what I'm trying to say here is, heartbreak doesn't last forever. Yes it's the most horrible, rubbish all consuming pain but it has a short half life. Week by week I noticed the pain diminishing to the point where I can get on with my life and move on. I think every heartbreak I've experienced has taught me something and made me stronger. The first one taught me that it's okay to have expectations and not just anyone deserves your heart. My second has taught me that my boundaries are non negotiable and that applies to friendship too. The way I feel matters and it's healthy and normal for that to matter to who I'm with.

Hopefully when I'm actually ready to open up to someone new, I will take all of the lessons I've learnt and allow myself to fall into love head first. I do not want to be cancelling flights and selling festival tickets again but hey, they happen every year - FOMO doesn't kill. I suspect whoever woos me next  will be a rock climber as my walls are up high and enjoy my tragic jokes, hopefully he has a cute dog. I'm off to google how to flirt lol.


I took these pictures just before I left the house to head to the library. I spent the most fabulous day just being okay in my own company and wandering through Chelsea without a care in the world.

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Oresiri xx
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